Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic by Richard A. Isay

By Richard A. Isay

"What's love bought to do with it? every little thing, in accordance with Richard Isay's expert and illuminating examine the position of romance in glossy homosexual existence. I hugely suggest this ebook for individuals of any new release and partnership status."

--Dean H. Hamer, Ph.D., writer of The technological know-how of hope and The God Gene

"Richard Isay deals whatever much better than uncomplicated bromides and fake wish. during this e-book, he demanding situations us with a provocative, illuminating, and finally hopeful examine ourselves and explains how these folks who yearn to like and be enjoyed (and who doesn't?) can top locate happiness and therapeutic in a dedicated relationship."

--Eric Marcus, writer of The Male Couple's consultant and jointly Forever

"Many homosexual males (and others, too) are inclined to locate this ebook particularly attention-grabbing and necessary. In a sequence of vividly illuminating case histories and with a psychoanalyst's intensity and readability of perception, Richard Isay lucidly explains why homosexual males have specific trouble in setting up and maintaining loving relationships and the way they could sensibly enhance their possibilities of doing so."

--Harry G. Frankfurt, Ph.D., writer of On Bullshit and the explanations of Love

"Richard Isay's portrayals of homosexual men's lives usually are arguable. Isay isn't the stereotypical psychoanalyst who sits quietly whereas his sufferers ramble--and we're all of the larger for that. He has anything to claim and what he says is worthy listening to. This provocative booklet can be learn by means of a person who yearns for yet hasn't but came across actual love."

--William Rubenstein, Founding Director of the Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation legislation and previous Director of the ACLU Lesbian & homosexual Rights Project

"Based on Dr. Isay's 3 many years of expertise operating with homosexual males in remedy, it is a deeply considerate research of the problems homosexual males could adventure with falling and staying in love. For a homosexual guy, studying this booklet can cause him to revisit a few darkish locations alongside his personal life's trip, however it also will provide him a glimpse of the self-affirmation and ability for swap which are the targets of gay-positive psychotherapy."

--Simon LeVay, Ph.D., writer of Human Sexuality and Queer Science

"Indispensable insights from America's wisest observer of homosexual relationships."

--Charles Kaiser, writer of The homosexual Metropolis

"Gay humans search the liberty to marry for a similar mixture of purposes as non-gay humans, and for many, love and dedication are crucial. Drawing on his unprecedented services and many years of news from his sufferers, Richard Isay explores the demanding situations and cost of romantic love--how to beat our pasts and increase our current lives at home--as we construct a way forward for larger equality and inclusion in society."

--Evan Wolfson, writer of Why Marriage issues

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Example text

Ebullient ardor is no good for it. . ” Four centuries later, the philosopher Bertrand Russell saw marriage solely as an institution for raising children, and he opined that sexual passion for one’s spouse interfered with this primary obligation. The prevalence of casual sex outside of committed relationships and the diminished or total absence of sex within them are considered by many gay men to be not only a normal response to being in a couple but to benefit these relationships. McWhirter and Mattison suggest that sex with others helps a relationship by reestablishing the healthy autonomy of the partners.

Because Gerald did not enjoy sex with strangers, he seldom sought outside sexual contacts, but he was increasingly lonely and found himself spending more and more time with friends or at work. Though he eventually told his partner that the relationship was “not working,” he continued to deny that he was in any way jealous of Hal’s sexual adventures. Although their relationship was, for many reasons, not a good or a happy one, it was, we later discovered, mainly to avoid acknowledging and confronting the pain of his chronic and intense jealousy that Gerald decided to ask Hal to leave.

They appreciate the love of friends but now find that their friends have their own preoccupations, sometimes including partners, and cannot provide the consistent love and attention that they long for. They become increasingly aware of the anxiety and the pain of loneliness and more apprehensive about aging and rejection. They also worry about their mortality and future illness. It is in their forties that most gay men grow to understand that only a lasting loving relationship with another man will provide them with a sense of selfworth and ultimate happiness.

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